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Thursday, July 15th, 2004
12:50 pm
Dear Dark Lords,

My little sister keeps stealing my stuff, especially
my expensive paint set and my prized Black Adder DVD
set. She won't give them back, so I have to hide them
from her. And just the other day she took my very
expensive lippy and drew a picture with it. Any
advice?

Also, the stains from the lippy picture won't come off
the wall. Help there, too, would be very much
appreciated.

-Anya

Lord Cthulhu says:Collapse )
Lord Voldemort Hisses:Collapse )

current mood: evil

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Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
10:48 pm
My Dearest Evil Overlords,
Having only recently discovered your wonderful Livejournal Help
Column, I have a burning question for you.

Boxers or briefs?

Other answers are acceptable, too.

Sincerely,
A pervy teenaged girl.







Lord Voldemort Hisses:Collapse )
Sauron the Deceiver SaysCollapse )
Lord Cthulhu says:Collapse )
And Lo, Morgoth Spake:Collapse )

Do you have a question for the Dark Lords? Please, please, please don't ask us about our underwear again. Lord Voldemort *begs* you.



current mood: Evil

(13 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
6:05 pm
Dear Dark Lords:

After one of those lazy-summer-afternoon massacres, how do you get the bloodstains out of your carpets?

-Evil Overmom








Sauron the Deceiver SaysCollapse )
Lord Cthulhu says:Collapse )
And Lo, Morgoth Spake:Collapse )
Lord Voldemort Hisses:Collapse )



Do you have a question for the Dark Lords? Cooperate now, for we will find out eventually...



current mood: Evil

(4 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
11:04 pm

Today's question comes from a woman whose name is so pathetically stupid that both Lord Voldemort and Lord Sauron--
That's Lord Sauron and Lord Voldemort
Whatever. Both Lord Sauron and Lord Voldemort have refused to lower themselves to respond to it. Those pansies, Morgoth and Cthulhu, had nothing better to do with their time and decided to respond. Fine, that's their pergative.
Prerogative.
Shut up.





Dear Dark Lords,

I have been dating my current boyfriend for 2 years. However, I have reason to suspect he has been seeing someone behind my back. I love him more than anything, but the thought that he might be seeing another girl makes me want to do unspeakable things! What should I do?

Belinda Crustacia Owens


Lord Cthulhu says:Collapse )
And Lo, Morgoth Spake:Collapse )

Do you have a question for the Dark Lords? Send it to us at askthedarklords@yahoo.com. But it better not be one of those stupid "oooo, look at me, look at me! I want to be a Dark Lord! Give me advice on how to do that!" things. We get hundreds of them and, frankly, they're getting on our nerves. And you do NOT want to see Morgoth when he's angry.

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Saturday, May 8th, 2004
10:14 pm

The Dark Lords wish to express their discontent with a certain "Bridge" who has been repeatedly insulting us. Therefore, this post will be devoted to us insulting each other.





Dear Dark Lords,


Why haven't you teamed up in your efforts to take over
the world yet? Your combined might would be unstoppable.

"Matt"



Lord Cthulhu Says:Collapse )
Sauron the Deceiver Says:Collapse )
Lord Voldemort Hisses:Collapse )
And Lo, Morgoth Spake:Collapse )

Do you have a question for the Dark Lords? Too bad. But you can send us money if you want.



current mood: Evil

(4 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
6:23 pm

Before today's question, the Dark Lords would like to thank all those of you who have expressed your loyalty and support to Our Will. You will all be given well-paid positions among our minions with flexible hours and an incredible health care package. Your families will be held captive in our dungeons to ensure your loyalty, but we are sure you will agree that is worth this excellent chance to serve us.




Dear dark lords,

What is your stance on abortion? I know many of your evil minions frequently like to rape and pilliage (sic), which I am certain must produce quite a few unwanted children. So what do you think should be done with them?

“Matt”

Lord Cthulhu Says:Collapse )

Do you have a question for the Dark Lords? Send it to askthedarklords@yahoo.com. We could devour your soul to find out what it is, but that would take effort.



current mood: Evil

(9 comments | comment on this)

Monday, May 3rd, 2004
8:03 pm
Dear Dark Lords: I am just starting out as an evil overlord. Do you have any advice on acquiring one's first batch of minions?

Sincerely, Young & Ambitious


***


Lord Cthulhu Says:Collapse )
Lord Voldemort Hisses:Collapse )
And lo, Morgoth spake:Collapse )
Sauron the Deciever SaysCollapse )

Do you have a question for the Dark Lords? Send it, along with paid postage and your firstborn male child, to askthedarklords@yahoo.com.



current mood: Evil

(28 comments | comment on this)


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